


Two People Talking... Radek Zelenka and Chris Larabee

by Sally M (sallymn)



Series: Two People Talking... [21]
Category: Stargate Atlantis, The Magnificent Seven (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:28:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25928155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sallymn/pseuds/Sally%20M
Summary: Radek is right. This is very bad.
Series: Two People Talking... [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/53327
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	Two People Talking... Radek Zelenka and Chris Larabee

**Two People Talking...**

This is bad," Radek says faintly. "This is very bad." 

"Oh I dunno," the wild-eyed blond in black drawls, keeping his gun aimed firmly at Radek's head. "I could always shoot ya. _That_ would be bad." He looks down at the alien contraption dumped in the center of what looks to Radek - who has been dumped with it - uncannily like his _babička_ 's old farmstead.. That is, had _babička_ lived in a 19th century living museum. Complete with nineteenth century gunslinger. _Angry_ nineteenth century gunslinger. With disturbingly, genuinely historical-looking gun aimed right at Radek's face. 

Angry nineteenth century gunslinger is much of what is very very bad, of course. Radek has seen enough borscht westerns - and repeats of _Lemonade Joe -_ as a child to know _that_. 

"So what th'hell is this?" the man goes on. His voice may be as terrifyingly calm as any movie cowboy - or Colonel Sheppard and _Ježiši,_ Radek wishes Colonel Sheppard is there right now - has ever been, but his eyes promise something feral and violent if Radek doesn't come up with some sort of answer that makes sense, which is going to be easy... or even possible. Yes, this is very _very_ bad. 

"I-I, I do not know what it is!" Ancient, definitely. Extremely Ancient, in all shades that Radek knows of the word. And clearly working rather more than he had been told by the American government idiots who should be here with him, along with military backup, both of which had been here two minutes ago. "Truly, I do not know." 

"Oooohkay." Obviously not the answer the gunslinger wanted. The gun doesn't waver. "So where did it come from?" 

"I do not know that either," which is a lie, and he is not good at lying, but which he will stick to until he has a chance to contact Stargate Command or Antarctica or... 

Or anyone, that is if there is anyone to contact. Angry _nineteenth_ century gunslinger, after all, and Radek has been involved with alien technology long enough to know that that could and pretty well had to mean exactly what he is hoping and wishing very hard that it doesn't mean. 

He really should _not_ have come back to Earth, no matter how much the SGC scientists asked. And he really _really_ shouldn't have agreed to come and check out an 'interesting find' in an old disused government basement in New Mexico, at least not without lots more military backup. Obviously SG-3 under Colonel... he couldn't recall the name, a reassuringly big tough Marine Colonel with his own gun who would be wonderful backup if he was _here_ instead of back _there._

"And where the fuck did you appear from? Quite. Literally." Given that both the contraption and Radek had - presumably - appeared out of thin air, the gunslinger has a point. But Radek is not nearly as stupid as his Chief Science Officer likes to say on occasion, and knows that telling this terrifying man with his terrifying gun the truth is _not_ a good idea until he has a better idea of where he is. 

And _when_ he is. 

"It is..." Of course, not telling the truth is much harder when you have no untrue but even loosely believable lie to tell instead. 

"I-I.... I do not know that I can dumb it down..." Oh dear, that was _not_ what he meant to say, at least not aloud. From the look on the other man's face, aloud was not a good idea. "Seriously, it is... very complicated." 

"Then uncomplicate it. Again, where the fuck did you appear from?" 

"Well.... here." Radek spreads out his hands, trying to look harmless - which he knows he is doing more than well enough - and truthful - which he is _being_ , after all, but _looking_ and _proving_ harmless... 

Is working about as well as this Ancient machine that caused this whole mess. 

"Yeah, riiiiigght. Ya think I'm an idiot?" 

Given the 'dumb it down' comment, Radek doesn't think he should try and deny - or even worse, confirm that. "It is true. I was... _here._ Just not.... here." As in time, and he really should have brushed up on his American history, did they even have government offices in the Old West? - did they even have government _anything_? Not from the borsht westerns. 

"How did y'get here? And don't fuckin' say you just appeared, I can _see_ that." 

"I... I was trying to make this piece of _smjed_ \- I mean, this machine work, and it appears it... did." 

"Did what?" 

"Work. Somehow. And before you ask," oh, that was not tactful, not at all, at the man's fierce glare becomes even fiercer, "I am sorry, that did not come out correctly. English is not my native... _do prdele_ , this is impossible, it is hard enough that I have to explain things that cannot be explained at all, but in English, it is impossible!" 

Oh. That was even less tactful. 

"So don't. I can just shoot ya," the man growls, "and it, and who's t' know?" 

"I... would rather you did not, I..." How to explain, he does not know. In fact, given the number of things he did not know, Radek is beginning to feel just as stupid as his Chief Science Officer likes to say he is. And thinking of his Chief Science Officer, Rodney can do the investigating on Earth himself. Rodney will for certain get shot by angry nineteenth century gunslinger, but that will not be Radek's problem, or Radek getting shot. 

"Give me one good reason why not." Getting angrier, it seems. Radek could actually give him many many reasons, but none of them would make sense. 

"Because... I do not know what _it_ will do if you _do_." That sounded nice and uncomplicated. "Truthfully, I do not know how this happened, or what it did to make it happen, but I do earnestly suggest we both - if you wish to get me to go back to... well, to go back and I wish to be gone, we treat it very carefully." 

"Why?" 

"Because if we don't, I do not know -" 

"Getting' sick of hearing that." 

"That -?" 

"That y'don't know. It's your... thing, you damn well should know." 

"It is not mine, I truly do not know. I just..." Have had too many Ancient machines do bad things, many bad things, but how to explain this? "I believe it would be best if you just let me try and work out what it is and how it did... this." 

"Did what?" 

"I..." Do not think I should tell you. "Do not. Know." 

The gunslinger stares at him for a minute. "Then y'don't know if shooting it will do anything bad." 

"But _ne_ , I am fairly sure..." 

"But y' don't _know._ Or at least that's your story."The look in those eyes is scaring Radek, and he is getting flustered... _Ježiši_ , he is a scientist, not an adventurer like Rodney! This is as bad as it can be... and yet still getting worse. "Don't think I have to take what someone who just - _appears_ \- out of nowhere in my house has to say, do I?" 

"No... _ne ne_ , but listen, you have to, you really have..." 

"Don't haveta do anything." A nasty grin touches the lean face. "But yeah, I will." 

"No, do not -!" 

Too late. Three shots, an explosion... and suddenly they are _both_ no longer where and when they were - the _babička_ 's farmstead - but neither are they back in the old government basement Radek had started at. They are outside. Very much outside. In a dank, slightly swampy forest.... 

Radek hears the gunslinger yell, and what might be own odd, squawky yelp as he jumps out of the slushy muddy water onto a slushy muddy beach. 

Or maybe it is not his own squawky yelp, since it comes again. 

And he and the gunslinger turn together and stare at... 

"What the... _fuck???_ " 

"Oh," Radek says, staring up, up and up, straight into the eyes of a creature that has not even been discovered in the time they have just left, but which he at least knows way more about than he does American gunslingers, and not just from repeats of bad science fiction, "this is not just bad, this is not just very very _very_ bad. This is the _worst_." 

The massive, flatly reptilian eyes of a duckbilled dinosaur - a _dinosaur!!!! -_ seem to him to agree. 

**\- the end -**

  


**Author's Note:**

> (Written for a dialogue challenge)


End file.
